In the not-so-distant past, I was trapped in the downward spiral of PTSD, depression, anger and ensuing guilt, living my life from a place of feeling broken, desperate and lost. In fact, I had been living with these feelings for most of my life, dating back to one fateful night in 1988, when I was drugged and raped and as a result lost most – but not all – of my desire to live.
What followed was a rollercoaster of broken relationships and broken dreams, against the backdrop of a myriad of therapies: bioenergetics, traditional and alternative, homeopathy, naturopathy, acupuncture, acupressure, reiki, massage and so much more. But nothing truly helped. At the core I continued to feel worthless, disposable and broken.
Somewhere along the way, I learned about crystals and found some that helped me. I learned about flower essences and found that they guided me back to a more holistic sense of self.
But nothing healed the underlying feeling of being inherently damaged, of staying forever fragmented.
Despite this, I managed to live an okay life on the surface, not many people were aware of my inner struggles. I did what I could to keep up the façade of a superficial happiness, but inside, I felt like I was slowly dying, and as though I could never again experience true joy.
As the years passed, anger and despair took over. I came to resent fate, for stealing my life from me and for causing me to lose faith in the goodness of the universe. I was completely stuck in victim mode. Something I was great at detecting in others, but blind to fully notice in myself.
Then, last summer, I mentally and emotionally hit rock bottom. I was tired of trying to heal. Tired of feeling fragmented. I felt raw, as though my heart had been ripped open. I sat in meditation every day, silently screaming at the universe that I'd had enough, that I couldn't take it anymore and that I was sick of being unfairly treated.
I developed a furious rage at the thought of having wasted my whole life without really living it. Thinking that I had no purpose left me feeling a complete failure. I spent days lost in envy at the people I paraded in my mind's eye, who had come into their purpose and created compelling lives for themselves. I felt trapped in what I had secretly come to call my 'nightmare of an existence'. I hated myself and, by extension, the universe that had created me.
After sitting for days in this pain, something inside me shifted.
I remember actually yelling out loud: “Okay, universe, you've got me down on my knees. Give me my purpose. Give me a reason to live. Show me why I was born and teach me how I can be of service to people. I'm willing to do whatever it is that you'll have me do. Just give me a goddamn reason, because I'm going crazy inside. I'm tired of feeling useless. I want to do something meaningful with my life.”
Looks like that was enough of an admission on my part for the universe to actually have pity on me.
I put it out there loud and clear that I was ready to come into my purpose, that I was offering myself up to become a vehicle for change in this world, that I was ready for the Great Mind to use me however it saw fit. I had made it abundantly clear that I wanted to be of service in this world, with whatever talents and skills I had.
Within 24 hrs absolutely everything around me started to change. I began to be able to see the blessing in my rape, I started to see that it had been my biggest teacher and that it had even resulted in me having a sister – but that's another story. I suddenly understood that my life is a perfect piece in the majestic puzzle that is universal life.
I made a pact with my inner self that I would listen to it, check in with it, respect it and connect with its wisdom. I started to follow intuitive nudges that quickly led me to becoming a spiritual life purpose coach, as well as a sound healer: as soon as I offered myself up in service, things started happening at warp speed and where shortly before I had only seen chaos and unrelated fragments, I suddenly saw the golden thread that connected all my experiences that brought me to where I am today.
Did my PTSD and depression vanish from one day to the next? Of course not. It took work and determination to get well. But opening myself up to the possibility that there might be a teaching in all of this empowered me to keep searching for and then ultimately finding ways to heal.
I am forever indebted to all the people who have helped me along the way, who have supported me, believed in me, helped me collect some of those fragments that had seemed lost in time.
The thing that finally helped me to feel happy and complete again was sound healing with tuning forks.
I stumbled across it by mere coincidence, when a massage therapist briefly used a weighted tuning fork on my arm a couple of years ago, which had a profound impact on me at the time, yet I soon forgot about it, until that day when I followed my intuition after declaring to the universe that I was ready to come into my purpose... and then I suddenly recalled that moment with the massage therapist and thought “I wonder whether that's a thing – or whether she just made that up”... and decided to google it... I came across Eileen Day McKusick's work and several others', ordered books on the subject, watched any video I could find and ordered my first set of tuning forks. The minute I activated one, it felt like I had come home. It was love at first sight – or rather, sound – and the rest is history.
My experiences with tuning forks have been life-changing on every level.
They helped my body, mind and soul come into alignment and they taught me that there is so much more to our physical reality than we can possibly understand through our limited physical senses.
When I treat a person who is physically in front of me, when I activate the tuning fork and enter their Biofield and then get a sense of their life's story, I am reminded of how much bigger we are than our little, almost insignificant-seeming bodies. As I sense the large energy field surrounding the person in front of me, a field that virtually fills the whole treatment room and that's pulsating with information, I begin to realize that our bodies actually exist within our minds, and not vice versa.
And when I treat people on the opposite side of the world, by having the intention of treating them and visualizing them in front of me on the treatment table and experiencing the same thing as when they are physically in front of me – and they go through the same sensations and emotions as they would if they were right in front of me... that's as close to real magic to me as it gets and leaves me viewing the world around me with a a sense of wonder, awe and appreciation for the fact that we truly are all connected and that to heal one, is to heal all.
I stand in gratitude to the Great Secret for choosing me to do this incredible work. I cannot understand with my human mind how what I do is possible. I have spent decades reading about quantum physics and maybe such concepts as entanglement can get close to explaining what I experience in these treatments, but nothing I've come across so far has really been able to answer satisfactorily for me why and how what I do, works.
And so, I rest in deep appreciation for being offered a glimpse of an invisible reality that exists all around us and that we can tap into at any given moment, that is full of love and potential for healing.
I want to express my gratitude to all of you, who, so far, have trusted me to help you with sound treatments, and to those whose life I may one day touch with this incredible healing modality that has deeply and irrevocably transformed my life and given it meaning and purpose beyond my wildest expectations.
May you, too, receive its benefits and come into your purpose.